Introspections

This page is a compilation of the many thoughts about life that I have had a chance to write down. They are not meant to tell you how to think, just paints a picture of my feelings about the world, and other real life issues.

Thoughts on...

Life

Forgiveness

A Good Life

Asking the Right Questions

Philosophy, death, understanding...

Remove the messenger

Accepting the world for what it is

Peace...attachment...answers

The Secret

Compassion, Philosophy, Life

Thoughts on inner peace

Can Thought Touch Life?

Music

Thoughts about music

The vision

Music is a mirror

Keeping life in check

What is this all about

7/11/2007 Can Thought Touch Life?

As always, these are my own thoughts, written in my own words.

I believe there is an absolute truth, an absolute order, for the world. I believe this simply because events move in patterns, from the weather to the circular movements of the planets. Although I cannot always fully identify how these patterns move, we can see that there is some sort of limited order in this world that we can understand. I also believe there is an order within ourselves, our own self image. We have created our perceptions by our actions/reactions with our world, by how we relate and categorize our experiences, and mostly by how we have identified what we want out of life. Too often, I feel we intermix our misunderstandings about ourselves onto our supposed understandings about life.

Hence, I feel many people search for answers to life under the guise of answering a question they never understood in relation to themselves. We ask "What is my purpose in life?" and do not question if thought can even comprehend such a notion in the first place. That is my simple question, can thought even touch life? That's it, that's my one simple question. Simple, haha. ;)

Before we say we know any truth to life, we have to first ask if thought is even capable of understanding truth in the first place. Conceptually, great.... 1+1=2. You cannot have a square with 3 sides. What about outside of the conceptual?

We can say we know the truth to life, can say it with great emotional conviction, can follow very charismatic leaders, but does our emotional attachments make it correct? It's a difficult and honest question to ask, can thought even comprehend this reality that is life? I have doubts that it can make sense of it any more than we can touch the moon by reaching for it's reflection in the water.

If I stand by a tree, it is there. I know it's not really a "tree"..that's just a name, a symbol in my mind. Long ago, I was taught that this was called a tree... that's just a word I use to describe and associate what I am seeing. Take away the actual physical tree, and I can still see it's symbol, it's image. Say the word "tree" and I can make that image pop in my mind. If I had a memorable experience by the tree, then there is emotional connection as well.

Now look beyond the symbol, look closely at that tree without allowing the mind to label it at all such, and you will see something different. However, can you make sense of it? Without using past thoughts (symbols) to translate, is there any way for me to describe what I am seeing? I can say it is there..."it" not being a symbol of a tree, but whatever it actually is that I am calling a tree. That is why I do not think we can touch life with thought. Take away the symbols and we have nothing. Add the symbols and we merely have exactly that...a symbol, a static representation of something that is alive. So how do you touch life? You just live it and realize that you can only make sense out of what you are seeing with symbols. Do those symbols lead to the truth? I don't think so, but perhaps I am wrong. From my own analysis on what thought is, it'd compare it to pulling reality out of a photograph.

I don't believe thought can truly see anything except from a conceptual basis. If we could actually interpret in actuality, then we would all have exactly the same data, the same information. I believe it can only (quite subjectively!) reflect off what it has recorded and that recording is distorted and colored by what we want out of life and how we have chosen to filter and categorize similar thoughts of the like. I just don't think it is as limitless and powerful as many make thought out to be. Take away thought and now we are as natural as the trees and the stars, now there's no seperation. It is not a blessing, nor it is not a curse - thought is an extra tool that we have that we will create much harmony in our life (music, art, appreciation) or the ability to tear our lives, and others, apart (war, hate crimes, jealousy).

Of course that leads me to two roads..one is the idea that I can't really make sense of what is absolutely there, but the other is that I do happen to live and function in this world and society, so I do want to understand what I can with thought..I just choose not to spend it trying to understand the meaning of life, etc. I'd rather spend it understanding something I know I can understand... which is myself.. It's the only thing that I know that I have used thought to successfully construct...so I spend my time unravelling how I have constructed myself, fears, desires etc. and then just figure out my own harmony and move with that.

7/5/2007 A Good Life

I think a good life is not about always getting what we want, but actively making the most out of what we have. It's like the "grass is always greener" analogy, and the worst place we can be is dwelling on how much we wish we had a different life or set of circumstances. If we have a problem with your life, I just think the worst thing we can do is strengthen the problem by wallowing in how bad of a problem it is. Just change it. It's not always easy, sometimes it is scary to make a change, but being able to break dead cycles keeps us from getting stuck in the same problems for years and years...

Cycles repeat because we give it continuity. I say the only cycles we should keep are the ones that make our lives better. I think often we get caught up in the same patterns so much that we no longer know how to function if we lived any other way. Then as those cycles turn into cages, we become scared to lose it, and end up depending on this way of life. Perhaps we refuse to see when we tarnish something good like this... just know the moment we emotionally depend on something to keep us happy is the moment we take it for granted. And why should we take anything or anyone, that we care about, for granted?

Dead cycles should be shattered. Old cycles should be shattered. Keep life full of vitality by thinking and actively doing things to better your life. Learn to be able to change your perception so you don't get trapped in your own methods, and realize the scariest part of change is mostly taking that first step. One day, you might look at your life and wonder how in the world you got to where you were. It was because of all those little steps you took way back when. I hope yours is one that you can be proud of, smile, and say you lived the best life you could. No regrets. That's all I wanted to say.

6/12/2007 Asking the Right Questions

So I asked an interesting question on Myspace yesterday…

What do you think is the most overlooked reason why people are unable to change into something that they want to become?

Anyways, “Overlooked” was the key word to the question - something obvious that is often hidden between the lines. I think, for anyone that wants to truly make a change, one of the most important things that is looked at is fear (also the most popular response, and for a good reason). One of my favorite responses was fear of success…that was very cool and I agree, often over looked. It runs kind of synchronous with the thought I had.

There is no right or wrong to these types of questions, but this is something I was thinking about… My thought on one of the most overlooked reasons why people are unable to change is that the wrong questions are asked and that essentially creates an answer to a question that does not really address the problem. Solutions are gathered but nothing really changes... the same things just shift over…the cycle does not cease, but shifts over like clipping a branch from a tree only to have another branch grow somewhere else…instead of pulling it out from its roots. It may be the questions that we are asking that stop us from being able to resolve our issues because we have sidestepped the problem with the question.

I had posed a question about a man that has anger problems and wants to resolve them so he does not hurt anyone. If a man has an anger problem and wants to change, how does he? Will power only lasts so long, so if he tries to fight the urge, he will be likely to slip up in the future. I think if he kept trying to suppress his anger, he would always be fighting the problem at the surface, but if he asked and tried to deeply understand where that anger came from, perhaps it leads him down to the source. Perhaps he uses anger as a way to mediate and govern control, and when he is not in control, then anger is his resolution. But then the question is, does he want to give up his desire to control? Someone who fiercely wants control, shifting from that into someone that is okay when they are not in control will change so many things...the fabric of how they perceive themselves (both “good” and “bad”) would likely change, and the question is, would they be willing to accept those changes?

It’s more than how can I resist the anger when I feel cornered, more like, why do those corners exist and how can I tear them down so I can see over the walls I have blinded myself with.

5/31/2007 - Control

If there is one thought that I wish I could convey to everyone, it is this... Understand the things that you can change, and accept the things you can't. It sounds so simple, and yet most of the time we are trying to control and change things that we have no power over, and it leaves us feeling helpless and/or frustrated. Just about any time you are feeling frustrated, you are probably putting energy into shifting something you have no control over. The past is dead and gone, we cannot change that. If we have a problem, we only give the pain longevity when we dwell on outcomes we should have had, or how much the past has hurt us. The sooner we accept the past, the sooner we can adapt and create a change to restore our own inner balance, in sync with the world.

I am just suggesting that long lasting happiness is not always having the circumstances you want, but always making the most out of the circumstances you get.

5/31/2007 - Action

In martial arts, you are going to eventually take some hits. The adept martial artists do not become so because they have always been that way - it is likely they have learned to understand the mechanics of their body in action, and have learned to take every sparring match (win or lose) as a lesson for the next time they spar. In my opinion, the best martial artists are the ones that remain adaptable to any opponent and environment in the moment. They are survivors, and even when the tides turn against them, they are always seeking opportunities to change those circumstances around. You see, some fall on their backs, while the opponent gets ready to finish the game, one quick movement can turns the tide around.

Understand the limits of what you can control and who are are as a person as a martial artist understands the limits of the human body and his own physical prowess. With that understanding, you can then an action to really make a change to those circumstances.

5/29/2007 - Society and honesty

I think I like to share my life openly because of the way I feel about the general society, which is that many people look up and follow role models that are not honest. What I mean by honest, is that they say and do things to portray a certain "perfection" in whatever image they are creating, mostly for gain (fame, money). They have professionals that go to college and learn how to maintain an image mostly for greater sales. I think that is how we have the society as it stands today, and most of us are following and dreaming to someday become a part of that same illusion, to pursue being more loved, more rich, more powerful in the standpoint of where they stand in society.

Think of all the times we have caught people in power, caught them exhibiting perfection and then get trapped up in a lie, or fabrication. Look at politicians and how much many of them have scraped away something honest and real for a little power and respect. And question what the motivation is for someone (anyone) to hide their feelings, the truth of the matter. Why do people in power lie, fabricate, or create false images and more importantly why do we follow them? Do they wish to maintain their position? Fame? Wealth? Of course, everyone is entitled to their own private lives, but why would we want to follow someone that hides what they don't want us to see? And if you did choose to follow, what exactly is it that you are following?

I believe the less we all have to hide, the less there will be fear and judgments, and the closer we will all become. And it can be scary to open your life up and share our thoughts and feelings with others. But if you think about it... those people that are pointing their fingers the harshest and laying out the most judgment are usually the ones that have the most to hide.

5/19/2007 - Thoughts about music and what it means...

"And each individual who experiences that communication will interpret it in a way that speaks most clearly to their Life and circumstance."

I totally agree. And I'm going to ramble a lot, so don't mind me..haha! It's the weekend! Ultimately, I think the deciding factor if they like it or not is simply based on how they have associated the message of the song compared to what they want from all of those messages they have created out of their life. If a rock tune reminds someone of a terrible ex, they may always hate that song (although they may have loved it in the past because they wanted different things back then and is relative to what that song represented.)

At least right now, I believe happiness is defined between those two notions. Can just look at the Dixie Chicks to see that. Before their Bush statement, most associated the music completely differently. After Bush, all of a sudden, there was an uproar although the songs were already written and didn't change one bit... Their musicianship didn't all of a sudden go down hill, the songs were the same throughout so what exactly were people uproaring? It had nothing to do with music, but it was enough for them to give up music..so there must be a connection hmm? That's why I don't think it's the music in itself, but what the music represents that makes all the difference. Strangely artists can't really control what it represents, they can only control the music in itself (action) and what it represents to each person (reaction) is out of our control. But it always has to start with action.

I think if we believe this to be true, then why shouldn't we look at all the songs we hate, or don't like, dissect how we have associated that song and understand what exactly it is that we don't like about it. Is it really a bad song, and why? I've found that I have disliked certain songs that felt too safe, simply because it felt like they were industry manufactured songs created to make money and not for artistic merit..but after I started relaxing my qualms about the industry, the music that I used to dislike started to get a little catchier..What's up with that??

Most of the time, I really don't think it has anything to do with the music in itself. Some people might love New Age and hate rock music because they have this image that they are at peace, calm, collected, etc. and liking that music would expose a side that moves against their own self image. Strangely, if that's the case, then this is truly in relation to their self image.. perhaps they are afraid to look like they are not in control of themselves... Or perhaps the heavier music reminded them of a time, or a life they left behind long ago. Or perhaps it represents a certain crowd that they feel uncomfortable with. And with all of these, I would just wonder, why? I just think if we trace the things we hate or dislike about something external, we will always see it always leads us to the same place...ourselves...

..and wow..now we're going deeper, thinking about our self image, our pasts, our feelings and thoughts, and have totally gone inside and underneath the basic reaction which is just a song that we found annoying.

5/04/2007 - The Vision

After falling out of Torchlight Creek, I had lost heart in trying to "make it" in the music business for various reasons. After pulling together the financial support of my family to be sharked by a charismatic man that made empty promises, my experience of the music business was grim. Truly, it was my ambition and desire to make a mark that blinded me from seeing clearly. Not only that, I really thought that Torchlight Creek was my musical calling in life, and when that fell apart, I felt like anything that I would write hereafter would just be a watered down version of my former project.

It was May 5th of 2005 when I ordered Soulwire.com. I came to the project unsure of it's direction, or if I would even release it to the public. So I just wrote... there was no large scale dream, there was no ambition to succeed in the business, no desire to make it big or be recognised as the next "big thing"... No longer confining myself to the New Age genre, I merged all of the styles as one unified movement. I no longer concerned myself as to being a successful musician, but simply succeeding as artist, in being able to put what I felt and thought in musical notes... to reach in a level as deep as I could and to pull out and express what is there.

With each succeeding song, the vision only becomes more evident. I don't always know what is going to happen, nor where I am going with music, and I don't mind. I write because I have something to say about life, and I care about the things that are happening around and inside me. When I don't have anything to say, I don't write. These songs are not bright flags to showcase of my abilities, it is simply a colorful mirror, swirling with symbols and concepts of my own...and for those who have reflected off this mirror and seen something of themselves from within it, those people understand the vision as well....

5/04/2007 - On being an artist

It truly is a liberating experience when you let your efforts be the reward in itself, instead of focusing what you get from your efforts. I am simply suggesting that we create art mostly for the love of the art, and not what it means to be an artist. When we pull the notion of being an artist into the picture, we can complicate it by dragging all the excess of ego, fame, money, respect, etc. It's not that I don't think we should be proud of our work, simply that the main focus should be on how we make an expression out of life. Being able to connect and create something like that is the reward in itself. Stay with that and you will be the artist without ever having to concern yourself if you are or not.

5/04/2007 - Expectations

Expectations are blades that can cut the deepest wounds in our lives. Left unchecked, expectation often moves synchronous with what we desire. In other words, when we want something and get it, we have to be very careful not to take it for granted or expect it will happen again. What was the outcome of a failed expectation? From the dad that expects his wife to have a warm dinner for him every night, to the man that expects financial success, to the woman that expects her boyfriend to change..what is the result of these failed expectations? Pain? And how do we deal with pain? Do we go in a rage? Do we become completely erratic and seek to impose hurt on the people we care about? Do we say things we regret? Do we retract inwards blame ourselves and fall into depression?

I think our animalistic natures trickle down into our thoughts. I believe the wolf that is physically cornered and fights to survive is very much the same movement when we have cornered ourselves mentally, and fight others (even those we love) to get out of that corner. We feel trapped and use passiveness or aggression to move ourselves from that... Many times afterwards, there is regret. Aggressors feel extreme guilt and passiveness leads to feeling used and mistreated. So my question to all of those that don't want to do this over and over again, is why look at your anger when you can cut to the root by seeing the expectations, the corners that you have laid out in your mind...the same ones that you get trapped behind. Until that is looked at, I think the cycle will only shift and change into various forms of the same thing.

5/04/2007 -Forgiveness

When you forgive someone, who is it really for? Forgiveness releases the fires that you have clung on to and continued to burn yourself with. The other person may have already moved on, but if you have not forgiven then who is hurting themselves over that memory? Is it not simply a release of that experience/memory to give yourself more peace of mind? So when people tell me they refuse to forgive, I can only shrug my shoulders in wonder. True, there are lessons to be learned, but what good is holding on to the pain of that lesson?

04/13/2007 - The Secret ?

These are just my feelings about life. I know that I do not always write what is the most popular thoughts, but I can tell you it is how I honestly feel at this time.

I received an invitation to a group called "The Secret" and was asked this question: "What gets me going is the thought that the past and future is all happening now. It makes sense that if we believe we can visualize the future and believe that it exists now then we can indeed create the out come...any thoughts?..."

I don't believe that it is simultaneous. What is time without thought to reference it? Think about time, how does it exist outside of our thoughts? I believe past, and future are all symbols referenced by thought - it uses the only thing in existence (the present) as a guiding point. Think about it, you cannot reference the past without a reference to what it is a past to.   You cannot see the future without using symbolisms referenced from the past, which is as static as a photograph. When thought lies still, what is left outside of the present?

What is the motivation behind this question, I wonder? Is it to have more power to create outcomes that we desire? If that is truly the desire, then I think it is more important to understand our desires than to impose these desires on external things.

I do feel the Secret has a lot of great information that is going to help a lot of people, but we (me & the show) have quite a large fundamental difference. I couldn't agree more with our attitudes and the impact it has on our lives. Attitude is everything in life. That, we both have in common. Still, much of the Secret focuses on acquiring...more wealth, more love, more happiness, more... just imagine, breathe, live it and it will come.   I think it is done in quite a healthy way, but I personally do not believe that is one of the greatest secrets of all time. I understand why it will be fantastically popular, because it appeals to our direct desires, we all could use a little more money, or love, or attention, or what not.

Still, what do we really want out of life? That's what I would ask. Is acquiring these things a secret or understanding our drive, our desire to acquire these things?

A simplified example: Let's say Seth wants candy and I give it to him every time he wants it. He associates good behavior with candy. One day he is good, but he doesn't get candy. Is the ultimate secret envisioning the candy so he can get it, or does he try to see why he wants it so badly in the first place? Let's say I give him the candy, is anything solved? Next time I don't give him candy, will he be stuck in the same place again? My question to you, will you be stuck in the same place again? Doesn't need an answer, just look out for yourself and see if you do or not.

So, do you spend your understanding what it means to love or spend your energy looking for someone to love you? Do you spend your energy understanding and caring why you are afraid of being alone or spend your days filling that void with people? Do you spend your days envisioning how to have massive, unlimited wealth, or do you try to understand your own urge to acquire wealth so much, and why has money taken so much importance?   Granted if there is no food on the table, if you are homeless, then these are different motivations. But the rich man using the secret to be richer, what is the true purpose of this?

I still think the greatest and only secret we can unravel is the secret to ourselves -- not what the universe wants to give us. Until we understand ourselves, we can never understand how much we impose our desires into everything externally and everyone else. When you unravel this in yourself, then you will be able to see a life uncomplicated and unmarred by what we want out from ourselves, others, and external things. Then it will stretch out to your perceptions, and you will see a very different world, a world untouched by society's desires - and perhaps you will perceive an interconnection with the world that is very difficult describe. You don't have to watch a movie, or go to a seminar or any of that. It's always been there inside of you, hidden cryptic by the thoughts, attitudes and perceptions you have about life.

It is there that I believe you will find something that will change the way you see everything. It's something I cannot describe...

...but at least I can write music about it.

01/24/2007 Philosophy..death, understanding, harmony...

I have been thinking a lot lately. I thought I'd share some of my thoughts with you.

There is a saying that death and love are often the same. To be free and to keep love strong, we die to our pasts. In that there is great freedom. Not physical death because there's no point to destroying ourselves on the outside to solve a problem on the inside. But a death in which we let go of the things that have already gone and give it a final, peaceful rest. If it is time to mourn, then it is time to mourn and really let yourself feel the things you have been holding back. Then when done, really acknowledge that this is the end of a chapter, the beginning of a new, move forward with arms wide open as to what the future holds.

To be able to let go, I think requires understanding. Understanding ourselves requires a sense of intuition and honesty. We cannot stop change from happening, why do we hold on to static thoughts that cannot adapt? I think the best thing to do is to understand how to transition with change with the least resistance or even better, in harmony. Harmony...? Does that mean I am suggesting we stay happy no matter the circumstance? Not at all. I don't identify harmony with happiness, but being connected to the larger picture, the cycle of who we are much like how weather cycles on the Earth. It's in the sunny day, the blizzard, the storm, the light breeze and the gusting wind - all of these exist on our Earth and with purpose. The entire cycle of nature creates it's own natural harmony and order.

Sometimes life can get very turbulent. I am never one to deny or put fluff over the fact that life can be difficult, that we make unhealthy choices, that we get upset and sometimes hurt the people that we love (emotionally, and for some people, physically), that we can have regrets about our past choices. When life becomes hard, the easiest thing to do is to intellectually rationalize, minimize or deny how we truly feel about things, especially when we feel guilty or want to hold on to the notion that we are something that is contradictive to our feelings (example: I am a nice person and I feel anger. That anger is not really me. I will overlook it with my niceness and overcome it and it only amplifies my tension.)

I believe that denying to understand these feelings is the cause of most the problems in life because it will resurface again, and if we do not understand where, why or how to deal with them, then we will only create more pain, destruction and have more dark corners to repress. Hurricane Katrina happened, it was a gigantic storm that caused immense destruction, pain and loss. The best thing we can do in the aftermath is learn from this whole ordeal, heal, help, understand what happened and rebuild differently. The worst thing we could do is pretend it never happened and tell everyone to look at Hawaii where they are having a sunny day. That sounds kind of ridiculous, but I do believe that is how a lot of us deal with the parts of us that we don't want to look at.

We already know the parts of us that we love, we probably relish in them, yet many times refuse to see that there are darker undertones that resonate from those passions and joys in life until we have no choice. Sometimes those undertones become greater than the joys in itself, especially if we never look at them. Understanding and moving with both of these sides without resistance is what I would call harmony. Ever wonder why we even call it a dark side? Perhaps we don't want to see the destruction and hurt we have already caused so we give it a name, and close it off? We are whole until we break ourselves up into piecess, shun some, praise others, etc but there is a reason why all of our parts work together...and that is the understanding that I think would help us most when we have problems. I do believe most of us are all looking for others to love and accept us, and depending on the level of desire, this creates the fear that causes us to hide, to minimize, to escape from being able to accept ourselves wholly.

I'm not sure how long we are all supposed to be here, but I do know it's good to make the most of whatever time we have. I think we could do a lot of healing in the world, and help a lot of people who really need it...starting with ourselves. There's a saying that I go by. I know most of us want to bring a little bit of extra peace and security in the world, but I think it starts and ends in one place. I'm not sure if I made it up, or if I read it and just forgot that I did. But I think it's a good one.

Try to change the world and very little changes. Change yourself and everything changes.

01/01/2007 - Music is a mirror -

I have often asked myself what is it that I want to do with music? I had originally started Soulwire as a journal to chronicle my feelings about life (much like how I write many of the blogs), and as time goes on, this scope is shifting. I consider myself more of an artist than a musician. Although many might say they are one in the same, I see them very differently. The artist, by my definition, is more interested in the authenticity of what is being expressed and the musician is more focused on the tools of expression (skills). It's okay to feel differently about this, it's just a title that I use to distinguish and for me to know my motivations. Artists at heart, are people that shape their lives with what they understand and feel about life. They are essentially painting the canvas of their lives, and whatever they express (dance, painting, music, writing, etc.) will reflect this.

If you understand the music, then you will understand something about myself without me ever having to tell you. More importantly, I hope that you see that you are actually understanding and seeing something about yourself as well. Music is a mirror that allows us to see something in ourselves. I find it so interesting when two strangers meet. What exactly do we see with a first impression? Do we actually see them, or do we see elements of ourselves or others in these strangers? You can tell a little bit about the type of people you meet simply by the way they make you out to be. Sometimes there is an instant connection, and sometimes there is an instant fizzle...yet we could not have possibly completely understood this person within a moment. What are we seeing? Whatever it is, I believe the same could be said about music and is why music (and art) is such a compelling, and moving force. What I want to do with music is simply to express my thoughts and feelings about life. If others are able to reflect off of it and see something in themselves, find a little more peace, introspect or ponder about a time in their life, then I feel I am doing exactly what I had wanted to do. Even if it only reached out to one or two, I would have felt satisfied that I helped to change things. But from all of the responses that I have been getting, well, let's just say that I couldn't be more happy about that! :)

01/01/2007 - Remove the messenger

I am a firm believer that we find freedom and authenticity when we no longer follow the footsteps of anyone. As long as we look up to someone, so to will there be a down - so why not try to put everyone on the same level? We are all human after all.

With regards to the world teachers, I strongly feel we should remove the messenger and look at the message. If we are looking for our own understanding, why does the messenger matter? If we are looking for someone to inspire us, or to mimic the footsteps of someone else, then let's look at the messenger...but too often I think we put these people on a pedestal and project too much of our wants and fears with these people -- this turns them into an unrealistic icon. If we are honestly looking for our own answers, then the messenger has nothing to do with it. There is noone that has constructed the world as you have, from your perspective, so why depend on others to tell you how you have made your life so? In seeing the message (and not the messenger), everything and everyone has something of value to teach. You will find some great lessons in the messages hidden in ordinary experiences, essentially showing you the order you have created for yourself. From the homeless man on the street, to the politicians of the world...and it is often rarely what is on the surface, but what you are able to find with your own intuition, resonated underneath all of the layers.

Is this understanding, this intuition, this honesty something that anyone could ever tell you? Investigate it yourself and question everything. You have the strength to do this all alone. If you really want to understand yourself then you will not need others to tell you how you have assembled yourself. Find out for yourself. Question everything, even your own feelings and especially your motivations, until you come up with something authentic. You have to let your own understandings burn brilliantly, independently with all of your heart. To do so, I believe you must find and understand this alone so that you are not depending on someone elses flame to keep yours lit. Really, don't take my word for it. :) Perhaps this will ring true to you, or perhaps you can discard the entire message. I am only telling you what works for me.

11/17/2006 Thoughts on Inner Peace

Someone finds peace, a true sense of inner peace that radiates to all those that see it. Those people want what this person naturally exhibits and begin to notate how he lives, and mimics what he does. They follow this person to find the secret and acquire the natural peace, and create him into an near flawless, incredibly enlightened icon. They get excited, feel more attuned to inner peace when they successfully mimic that person's mannerisms and proficiently quote his words, repost his words into blogs to inspire others, etc. etc. They claim to have found a heightened sense of enlightenment, and the deepest sense of bliss and love through their findings of what they have learned from watching this peaceful man. Many of them will show all of us this secret on how to find the same greatest sense of peace. Many for a price.

Hundreds of others follow this secondary peaceful person, quoting his quotes that he learned from the original person, and dozens more branch off his successes and write their own book, seminars and move on to teach this brand new finding that has the most sense of love and peace, creating systems derived from knowledge, and a clever imagination. And this cycle goes on and on.

And that originator, the one who has always been at peace, I can only wonder what he must be thinking... He doesn't write a book, doesn't try to create himself into an icon, doesn't try to make any statement, although they make statements out of him. He follows his own inner voice, does not follow others, does not try to win their acceptance. He knows that he would never find it as long as he is looking for someone else to show him where it is.

Understanding is something that noone can give you. People can (and will) hand you mass amounts of knowledge, but I believe knowledge is absolutely useless without understanding...and understanding is something you have to find all by yourself. I wouldn't buy another self help book, quote another phrase, repost another clever bulletin, until you ask yourself this...

Do I really want inner peace, or the image that comes with being peaceful? It's not the easiest question to ask, if this is asked honestly and it is not deflected. I believe our deepest motivations rarely have anything to do with what we are looking for, but what we get out of finding it. When we start seeing our intentions out of we want from our choices, then we can start really seeing if the choices we are making are actually moving us closer to what we truly want, or if we will ever be accumulating and running in endless circles. Just my thoughts for today.

06/17/2006 Accepting the world for what it is...

I can't sleep tonight. It's 1:43 AM now..haha.. I feel compelled to write so I figured I'd just go with it.

I believe the resistance that we create to fight or deny the shadows that we do not want to embrace is one of the greatest sources for our disharmony and imbalance. Instead of fighting or running away from the storms in our lives, what if we watched it with great honesty and magnificence? Instead of denying that the storms are a part of our world, instead of seperating the natural harmony of ourselves by trying to pull apart that which we do not want and splitting the unity of who we are into pieces, what if we embraced the entirety of what it is we are expressing, and allowed those those storms to roll through us naturally, without resistance, but with magnificence...to watch the brilliance of the lightning and the dark swirl of clouds, to watch the winds blow down our structures and see what grows in its place..then I think we will see an honesty within that we may have never seen before and come to understand an effortless and natural pace of unity and balance. I believe balance is something we can never seek, it is the result of our expressions moving through us naturally and in harmony. The moment we try to catch it, it disappears.

The dualistic nature exists within. As we seek things that give us purpose and happiness, so to will there be an amount of pain that moves with that territory of defining that purpose. Once we realize that pleasure and pain go hand in hand, then we can choose to accept the shadows that come from a bright sun. And it is not the shadows that burn, but the expectations and resistances that we have created from it all. The resistance we create holding onto the light when it is time to let go and just appreciate that we were ever able to touch it at all, and the resistance we create to fight the darkness. That resistance is what I believe is destroying the harmony of what we are. I believe if we are truly seeking peace, it begins and ends with acceptance and honesty within ourselves, and that honesty happens when we allow whatever it is that needs to release and move through us to do so. (There is a second part which is once naturalness has been achieved, then we can begin to construct a world of harmony but it is pointless if we are creating it with resistance.)

The harmony, the honesty exists when it both light and dark moves through us naturally, without resistance. That is the expression that is honest, to me. Yes you will still experience ups and downs in life, but there is a flow and purpose to all of it and when you are in acceptance of the unity in yourself, watch how quickly the storms come and go with ease, leaving destruction but also creating rebirth and change.

Again I believe it is our avoidance of pain that causes the most pain. It is that and us holding on to the pleasures that we have had, after it is time to let it go and just appreciate that it was only there for a brief moment. It is always wanting that sunny day and fighting the storms. But if you look at the Earth and see how natural and effortless it shifts, we can apply that naturalness to our lives and then we will realize something which has already been with us all along. The unity that is you... is you. The moment you divide yourself into pieces and take sides with those divisions, like we have done on Earth by claiming territories, races, cliques, factions, countries, etc. is the moment you ever be at war in the name of favorites as sides try to overtake the other. It's like fighting in the name of peace, only the dictators and the defenders are all the same person. It's you, dividing you, fighting you. And if you just look at our Earth you can see that resistance and struggle have not brought unity to our world and I believe that it will be the same inside all of us. It is through compassion, understanding, and acceptance of the colors that we shine. And so too will we be able to further appreciate the unique colors of others without needing to justify our own. That is what I believe harmony and balance is all about. Not trying to shine a certain color but allowing the colors to shine through us without resistance.

07/07/06 Peace... Attachment... Answers.. Philosophical thoughts...

I spent a couple years searching for balance in my life. Some of that was chronicled with my Rewriting Destiny album. I was trying to reach a higher state of understanding so I could always be happy. Here are some thoughts that I have come across in my search. I'm sure your story will be different, so if take whatever little pieces agree with you and discard the rest.

We want to be happy and at peace, that's good... but have you wondered why we have fears & pain anyways? It's not like we want fears. So why do we have them? We don't wake up one day and say "Man I can't wait to be terrified of opening up to people! That'd be so awesome!!" We're trying to protect ourselves...but what are we protecting ourselves from?

I think it comes from our animal instincts to protect ourselves from danger. I like to think of the analogy of a cornered animal. When an animal is cornered, it becomes aggressive and fights for it's life or it will frantically run. It's not so different what we are doing with thoughts..except we have created corners in our mind. Where did these corners in our mind come from, and why are we defending them? To truly get rid of all corners would be to get rid of ego, wouldn't that also get rid of everything that means anything to us? I go back to this because it's not like we go out and say "Man I can't wait to be afraid of dying!" but we do want to say "I want to be loved" or "I want peace" or "I want to make something special out of myself" and that in turn can easily exemplify our fear of death, especially if we do not feel we're achieving that state that we are desiring.

See I think the search for pleasure and the avoidance of pain are the same, and if we trace our fears we can find the link in something we care about. If pain was not linked to pleasure, it would easily disspate because we don't want it anyways. I say fears stem from the symbols that give us meaning. Pleasure/pain... same coin..We want to be free from pain and have pleasure, I don't think that's entirely possible. We can watch our expectations and make sure we're not setting ourselves up for pain, but as long as we create meaning out of our lives, we will always need to be vigilant and watchful of the fearful undertones that follow. Those who are most passionate about life, tend to be a heavily swinging pendulum. A poem I wrote once said...

Suppose my shadow,
will always be part of me.
The brighter that my life gets,
the darker it will be.

Say we want to do something special to the world, and we create art. We've believe this art will give meaning to the world and excitedly show our best friend. Our best friend tells us that they honestly do not like it and suggests we try something else. Let's say they really do care, and being a friend they are only speaking honestly. So how do we receive this? Do we aggresively defend why it is so compelling, do we tell ourselves "It doesn't matter what they think" and create a wedge in our friendship, do we get hurt? Are we now mad at our friend? Can we keep cool and maybe we can convince ourselves to relax? But as long as we desire to make that mark, it will feed that & strengthen those corners later on and we will have to deal with it again.

It's nice now that I can see my attachments..and I have such realized that those corners, those attachments, are part of the package of who I am. I am saying that most of your fears are packaged with who you are. Your intense passion for life contributes to the intense highs..and the lows.. Those pains and fears are multiplied by our expectations, worry, desires, but they still exist without it nonetheless. It's part of the package, and there are still things that we can do to help minimize our agony in life, but let's also be honest to ourselves. If I can turn a harsh experience into something positive, great! If I can't stop the storms from coming, then let them come! It's part of who I am, and storms are a part of life as much as the gentle rain. The destruction that storms bring create new beginnings for other things.

In a way, I think we are limiting the scope of human expression in our strive for peace. And while there is nothing wrong with that, I do not believe it puts us on a higher plane either. It's just a shift from one color to another. I think it's good to think in terms of colors instead of levels. I like blue, you like red. We're the same, trying to do what makes us happy in this world, what we are doing is not as important as the notion of why. We've found different colors to fulfill our happiness, but it is all the same with all of us, we are all individually searching and desiring more happiness. There is nothing we can do to put ourselves above another person, nothing we can think, no teacher, no guru, no master that is above or below us. We've created those levels by what we want from them, through that search we've place judgement on others, and especially ourselves, by comparing them to what we want or expect. Why do we want to create levels? As long as we look up to people, so too will there be a down and that is a big part of the problem we are facing in ourselves. The search for enlightenment can be the rift that prevents us from ever reaching it. When up and down is dissolved, all that is left is colors. And then we can have more enjoyment with our lives because there is no resistance and struggle to become anything else that what we are now. Being comfortable with ourselves is a gigantic step towards harmony as well as accepting the storms and things that are out of control. Resisting the storm only amplifies it many times over.

It's a child's fear of getting a shot that tremendously multiplies the amount of trauma and grief they experience while they go through it. The same resistance is created when we resist and fight ourselves. We are flawed, imperfect from our high standards and ideals. And there is a pristine perfection in realizing and accepting this. The biggest flaw is the dishonesty we create in ourselves when we do not accept this, and the false image we feel we must convey and project to maintain this falseness.

So what is it that is really eating away at us? And more importantly, why do we cling on to it? If it is something we don't want, it should be very simple to let it go. I don't like raddishes so I don't eat them. So why do we get constantly tormented by the same things? Do you see where it is connected to something you also cherish? So do you really want to let go of whatever it is you are trying to rid yourself of, or do you want to accept it to minimize the resistance that it creates...or do you want to continue to struggle to remove one without the other? And whatever we want in life, can we dissolve the self-created levels of ascension in whatever it is that we want to be until we are all the same, so we do not look down on others, so we can even briefly see for a moment how much we are all the same, so we are not so seperated into elite groups that frown at other groups, so we can see the unity that is in all of us once again? And through these thoughts and questions, reflected in the music that I have written as well, I have found a sense of natural harmony.

06/26/2006 Keeping life in check...

Are you all having a good Monday? I have to say that Mondays are usually more difficult to wake up to. This morning, when my alarm clock went off, I was stuck somewhere between dreamland and reality. I've been drinking a frozen cappuccino on Monday mornings. I've found that giving myself something nice on Mondays makes them fun. You should try it, if you haven't. Treat yourself extra nice on a Monday and maybe it will give you a boost when you return from your relaxing weekend back to work. I'm lost in reflection today, thought I'd do some writing. :)

I still have a dayjob (I can't write music all day at my computer). I'll tell you, I would love to make a living off of music, but if it never happens I can still smile and say that I'm living a good life. The past successes and failures of my last music project (Torchlight Creek) has taught me how much ambition can cage someone from being happy and really enjoying what is truly there. I think it's ok to strive for more, but all in all, most of us are really doing well and should keep in check how much that strive turns to strife. I have become watchful of this because I think what's more important than the reflection of life is the actual living & experiencing life itself. Besides what else would we have to write or reflect on if we're not experiencing it firsthand? My life is great because I'm surrounded by some really great people, have a pretty cool dayjob and my son keeps me laughing & smiling most of the time. :) Hard to say where this path is leading me but I have faith that it will go where it needs to go, I'll just keep doing what I am doing and let it lead itself.

I suppose I'm writing this to just remind myself to keep in mind what's important in life. With the Soulwire CDs coming out, I noticed that I have started to feel a little ambitious, but I keep in mind that I won't allow my success or failure in music to dictate the notion that I'm not doing what I think I should be doing. If it all just continued to be like this for the rest of my life, I would be quite content and satisfied.

I may never be able to do music as a career (but maybe I will), just as someone else may never get that amazing promotion at their job, someone else may never be able to buy that car they've always wanted either, but most of us have everything we need and are left with only what we want. There's some people out there with very broken homes, some are starving, some have little to nothing to care about in their lives, no love. I think it's good to keep that in check, because sometimes we all can get comfortable and get frustrated when we wrap ourselves up too tightly in our own little world of pursuing what we think makes us happier and happier. While it is easy to get caught up in dreams and even feel anxiety when our dreams don't land us where we want to be, it could be an indication to go back to our roots and remind ourselves what is really important. It's usually the little, simple, unexpected things isn't it? And what is it that is really important in your life? And more importantly, why?

06/22/2006 What is this all about?

We are all artists, sculpting our thoughts in harmony with others, sliding through the colors of every action taken and driving it onto our canvas with our intentions. Some of us paint blindly, and others paint consciously, but through every situation we are creating and recreating this masterpiece that is our life. We may not be able to control and choose every experience that gets scripted in, but we can choose the colors and attitude that we paint that experience with. Our thoughts assemble this picture, a perception with a unique style and flavor that is this often vivid image of what our life is all about.

It's very interesting if you think about how we can only be mirrors to the other people that we interact with. We can't control their thoughts, so in a way when we see others, we're just seeing a reflection of our sense of the world and vice versa. You make sense of me only through the symbols that you have learned throughout your life, and your experience and opinions about me are assembled through relating to those symbols that carry a positive or negative influence in your life. In this way, music, sculpting, painting, dancing, and other artforms all echo back to us the way we live our lives.

Soulwire is an extension of this. It's not about trying to show off or showcase musicianship. You'll never get enormous Soulwire pic in your comment box, haha. Its more of a muse on life and sharing those reflections with you. It's in the way the melodies twist and turn as well as the subtleties that resound in the background. It's in the descriptions that open up the doors of thought as the music flows inward. There is not one particular instrument that is always taking the spotlight, many instruments weave and dodge around one another, spinning the fabrics of a song, often with hidden symbolisms for those who can catch it.

So that's what this is all about. Call it a mission statement for Soulwire, haha. Its good to have dreams to reach out for. Hopefully you are reaching for yours as well, and taking your active steps in your life to watch it bloom.

By the way, I have taken time to write back to almost everyone. Always type in my own words and I try to avoid generic responses but in the last 2 weeks, I have received 176 messages, whew, I'm not sure if I can keep this up, but I'll try to keep responding and talking as much as I can.

05/25/2006 Compassion, Philosophy and Life...

For about 2 years, I had been very actively searching, questioning, musing and moving towards a better way to live that would keep me balanced, empowered, and happy. I have stumbled across some great reads (especially J. Krishnamurti and U.G. Krishnamurti), and a few others, many of which I have found on the internet. I took active steps to change my life and felt very empowered by reading these philosophies, but there was still something missing.

The question of reality hits when actions and words collide. I've realized that anyone can say they are empowered and can give out the best advice when they are not in a state where they are not being challenged to apply it in action. It reminds me of ultimate fighting, when the guys are just talking smack about the other person, how easily they could beat the other person, the big "what if" ("well if he does this, then I'll just do that..piece of cake") but then when the actual event happens, it's usually not smooth at all. All those predetermined thoughts get chopped up and they have to take it by the second, breaking up everything they've learned and things can shift at a moments notice.

Real life is chaotic. The twists and turns can be as savage as canoing in the rapids. In life, I think we think we try so hard to control much more than what we really can, and that is what leaves us frustrated and hurt. I think we try to control the fierceness and pull of the water when we really don't have control of that, all we can really do is just pedal our boat and keep it from sinking..matter of fact if we just focused our energies on the boat and not the water, we could probably stay afloat rather easily and have a fun, wild ride!

In that sense, I think philosophy can be just another shield to blind our eyes, much like religion can. I'm not saying that that is it's purpose, I think it all depends on our intentions for needing/searching for answers- are we afraid? Do we need to feel secure about something? Still, I've seen this before where love and compassion is universally spoken and easily shown to those who agree with their particular belief system. That person is tested when they run into someone who believes differently, or even opposite. All of a sudden fear creeps in, the willingness to understand goes out the window and then judgement and blame become the name of the game. Understanding is replaced with the desire to hurt the other person to justify their own beliefs because they feel threatened...contradictory to the core of almost every belief which has the undertones of love and understanding.

I feel that our beliefs are meaningless, hollow vessels. They have no meaning or point, outside of the intentions and emotional content you supply it with. Your intent and love for your belief is what empowers it, the words itself are hollow and pointless until you turn it into something. The intent is really the blood that coarses through those vessels.

And what do most of the world beliefs have in common? Compassion, understanding, love. but can anyone really tell someone how to show compassion and understanding to another person outside of just being it? I suppose we can write down what we have done to show it to others, but it's like reading a book on how to bend your arm. How do you bend your arm? All they can do is give you excersizes in which you bend your arm... bending your arm is probably just something you have always been able to do, it's an action and doesn't need a "how to" attached to it.

Whether we read 1000 books or 0 books, if we care, if we show understanding towards one another, then I can't see how we can do wrong. Let's not be blinded by our beliefs and use it as a weapon to hurt one another. There's nothing to know. It's all in action, in doing, in being...And you will see the true test when the chips are down, when the wind is blowing against you, are you still trying to understand, are you still keeping your mind and heart open, or are you screaming, demanding to be heard.

I have a simple thought that I think of which is there is tremendous compassion in understanding someone but there is no compassion in the demand to be understood.

All the philosophies that I have carried with me, all of the words that I have used that sound good in theory but have no practical use, that shield me from touching that part of myself that is honest is going to the trash, anything that makes me think that I am strong is going in the trash. The best thing about philosophy is the same thing in every book. Have compassion, care about other people, love them and don't expect things from them. Those are the the only things I am taking with me..The rest, what is it for? I don't need to fortify my disappointments in life, I don't need to make excuses...just learn, grow, move on and be there for the people that I care about.

We can't read it to understand it any more than we can read a book about how to bend our arm. Can't look to the past and say "I'm a compassionate person" because that time has passed. We have to drive our canoes in the wild rapids of the present, where life is chaotic and that is where you will find it. This moment is all that exists, and that is the only time you will find it. Stay with it and see how much you will change your own life.